When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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