I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
