Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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