you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
