last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
