I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
