He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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