HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
