they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
