i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
