mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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