dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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