There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
