I want to have your abortion
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
