Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
How external is "for external use only"?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
