Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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