My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
