Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
