I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It was confusing and full of hummus
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
