I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
