The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
