You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
