Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
