did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm like, not good at living.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
