I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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