if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
