he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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