no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
