thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
we're so committed to being not committed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
