There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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