I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
