You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
