Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
