Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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