I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
