Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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