a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
