U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
