Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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