If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
