Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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