just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
40s are totally the cure
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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