i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The uberlube is also flammable
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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