ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
