I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
