i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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