so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
