She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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