please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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