the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
